I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
