I think I died a long time ago.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Everyone says I win the strip club
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
