You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
