the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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