Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
