need another drink. this is the easiest way
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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