There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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