Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
