He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
