Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
