so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize