Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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