How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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