I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
