he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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