Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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