at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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