You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
