I'm eating all of the evidence.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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