Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
