my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
cat food counts as protein by the way
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
pray to the hookup gods
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
