I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize