you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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