Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
