He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
