The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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