i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
