Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize