I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
