we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
