I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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