I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
