hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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