He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
