my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
