If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
