Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize