Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
