6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
