Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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