those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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