I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Yo dont text me then not text me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
