I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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