Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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