well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
