guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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