You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
