Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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