Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
