it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize