i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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