My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
