All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
