brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
