what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
