yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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