if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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