i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
wow bdsm is so cute
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