i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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