it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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