It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
