I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
