update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
