Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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