Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
