I wish my penis had an off switch
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
