Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
